When someone you’re close with intentionally hurts you, you’re haunted by it. Not by them, but it. Like your friendship is suddenly a ghost in this world, and you can’t grab a ghost and take it back.
Nothing will be the same. If you’re like me, you’ll lose the rest of your friends as well because you’re just easy to blame and it’s easier to say you did it. Then you’ll question everyone in your life. But you don’t have friends anymore so it’s whatever I guess.
You’ll have issues trusting people again. How can you get so close to someone and then have them rip out everything? But there’s not much you can do about people like that.
Have you ever had a bad first impression of someone and then grew to like them, but then eventually they turned out to be a mistake? As humans we want to ignore first impressions because we can think, we can look past that. But there is a reason why we get first impressions in the first place, and right when they become a mistake, you remember why you had that first impression, it becomes inevitable to realize you are just as instinctive as an animal. And personally I think our animal instincts are life saving.
But if you’re like me you’ll at least try to look on the bright side. You had some good memories that were worth remembering. At least you have those. And even if you never had a decent friend, at least you can say you tried.
So that’s the band I’ve been in. Two different groups of people, who, in the end, turned out to be nothing more than a fluke in my people reading skills. This was never about music or maybe it was. Maybe the music we played was a simple game meant to harm. We played, we played. Like cats and mice, we played. But in the end the experience was life-changing. And each time it ended for me and painful like you wouldn’t believe. But the first band I have gotten over, I understand it now and I’m okay because they led me hear. The second band though is too recent. The dreams haunt me, I wake up lonely, but they’ll lead me to the next band who might just maybe be the right one.
But I continue to play the game of life and people and everyone blaming everyone and no one understanding that they’re all at fault, that no one is an angel until they get to heaven and that’s not where they are now. But we’re all on the stage and nothing ever goes as planned. It’s all against one or one against all or sometimes both.
Sad truth is that you’ll get hurt, but it’ll be justified and you’ll hurt some more. Being upset is no reason to treat someone like dirt, but they will anyway, and they’ll justify it. You’ll become your own band and eventually you’ll be okay with that. You’re a solo act, just as you should be. And you’ll smile because you know they’ll never have the strength to do what you.
And though you’re hurting now, you won’t be hurting for long. You’ll get past it and you’ll survive and then they’ll become just like the first band, just other people you pass by, strangers you have a history with. You’ll hum your own tune and be at peace.
But right now you can’t be afraid to think about it. You can’t be afraid to go over everything again and again in your mind. Try to figure it out, you won’t succeed, and it’ll pain you more. But you must go through the motions. There’s no skipping steps to relief. It’ll be angry, sad, depressed, and then you’ll be okay….. then it’ll happen tens times over again. But you must do it, for the last time you go through the process you won’t care anymore, you’ll move on with your life and be okay finally. And you’ll finally be able to sing your own solo melodies with a stronger, better and bigger certainty of yourself.
You’re an animal. You can think, but you’re still an animal. Don’t try to outwit yourself.
Picture from: http://www.photosof.org/lonely_girl_sitting_on_the_beach_sand-wallpapers.html